


Whiskey Lullaby

by ctrling



Series: Phan One-Shots [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cheating, M/M, Smoking, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 05:01:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4334834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ctrling/pseuds/ctrling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based off of the song Whiskey lullaby.<br/>When Phil returns home, he expects to marry Dan, but instead, he catches him cheating and he struggles to put his life back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whiskey Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> TW: MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH / SMOKING / SUICIDE / ALCOHOL ABUSE DO NOT READ IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED.

[Whiskey Lullaby Music Video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZbN_nmxAGk)

_He put him out like the burning end of a midnight cigarette_

_He broke his heart he spent his whole life trying to forget_

After a yearlong deployment, Phil Lester was finally coming home to his fiancé, Dan Howell. He had proposed a few months before his deployment and they had ended up putting a pause on the wedding planning, but now that he was on the bus, heading towards his home, he was prepared to pick up where they had left off.

                The bus was quiet with some soldiers asleep and others staring at nothing in particular. Phil was neither because he was focusing all of his attention on the picture in his hand. It was of him and Dan, standing under a willow tree, on the day he proposed. Just looking at it brought tears to his eyes, but he knew that in a few short minutes, he would be able to hold Dan in his arms once again and he wouldn’t have to miss him anymore.

                The bus rolled to a stop in front of his house and he let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in.

                “This your stop, Lester?” Smith asked.

                “Yeah,” Phil said, smiling, “it is.”

                Phil got off as soon as he could, resisting the urge to run into his house. He held onto the picture carefully, do everything in his power to avoid crumpling it. When he reached the door, he knocked on it, only to find that it was already unlocked.

                “Dan?” he said as he walked into the house, closing the door behind him. “Are you home?” He walked up the stairs, heading towards their shared bedroom.

                When he got closer to the room, the silence was broken by loud moans. His heart rate sped up as thoughts of what could lie on the other side of the door and he hoped the images dancing around in his mind were wrong.

                Hesitantly, he opened the door to find another man on top of his fiancé and he instantly slammed the door shut, tears brewing in his eyes.

                “Wait, Phil!” Dan called from behind him and he heard the door open loudly, but he just ran faster. “I can explain!”

                That night, Phil lay in a cheap hotel bed with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other. But nothing was enough to numb the pain that he felt. It went far passed mental pain; it was a physical aching in his chest that covered his whole body and numbed his brain because he couldn’t focus on anything else.

                He couldn’t believe that Dan had done that to him. He remembered specifically asking Dan if he was okay with him going into the military and Dan had been supportive and encouraging. He kept thinking about how he had promised that he would still be there for Phil when Phil got back.

                He should have known that everything Dan said was a lie. After all, who would want Phil when they could have someone much better? He wasn’t anything special; maybe it was his fault that Dan wanted more.

                He put the bottle to his lips and took a big sip, drinking away his sorrows.

_We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time_

_But he never could get drunk enough to get him off his mind_

Phil had barely talked to anyone in months. Every conversation was just something in passing and he never told anyone what was going on. Everyone knew that he and Dan had called it off, but no one knew why, and he planned to keep it that way. He let his feelings and emotions bottle up inside of him as he emptied the bottles of whiskey surrounding him.

                His mind was foggy, clouded over with alcohol and nicotine, but it still wasn’t enough. Thoughts of Dan still hung over him like dark storm clouds, making his life his own personal hell. He kept imaging the other man on top of him and he kept thinking about how long it must have been going on. After all, he was gone for a year, and for all he knew, Dan had been with another man that whole time.

_Until the night_

_He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger_

_And finally drank away his memory_

_Life is short but this time it was bigger_

_Than the strength he had to get up off his knees_

He couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was too much. Dan had been his whole life, the one thing that kept him strong while away, but knowing that he wasn’t enough for him felt like being shot in the heart and stabbed in the back.

                With a heavy heart and red eyes, he picked up the gun from his nightstand. Putting the bottle to his head, he took one last final sip before pulling trigger. A loud shot rang out throughout his room.

                He never was able to find the willpower to put himself together and now, it was too late.

_We found him with his face down in the pillow_

_With a note that said I'll love him till I die_

Of course, Dan had heard. It was all over the town. He had heard about them finding Phil with a gun in one hand, his head on the pillow, and he had heard about the note that only served to make him feel worse.

                Everywhere he went, people kept asking him how he felt and he would say that he felt sad but he was getting better, but the truth was, each and every day he only got worse.

                He kept thinking about how Phil wouldn’t have killed himself if it wasn’t for him and everything he did wrong. He fucked up and now he was paying the price.

_And when we buried him beneath the willow_

_The angels sang a whiskey lullaby_

Naturally, he went to Phil’s funeral. It was hard for him, but everyone said that Phil would want him there. They didn’t know, but he knew the truth: Phil didn’t love him anymore because Phil was dead and he died with an ugly image of Dan in his head.

                He dressed in his nicest suit for the funeral and he went alone. He watched solemnly as they lowered him into the casket, right beneath the willow tree that held so many memories. It was like a bee sting to his heart seeing their spot, the spot they went to on the day they got engaged, have all the good memories switched out for bad ones, but he knew it was all his fault, so he only blamed himself.

                “How are you doing?” Phil’s mother asked him after the funeral.

                “Not very good,” Dan admitted. “I miss him so much.”

                “I do, too,” she said. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what happened between you two?”

                “I fucked up,” he said, walking away on as the words left his mouth. He couldn’t face his mistakes and he couldn’t face Phil’s mother after telling her that he was the reason her son was six feet under the ground.

_The rumors flew but nobody knew how much he blamed himself_

_For years and years he tried to hide the whiskey on his breath_

_He finally drank his pain away a little at a time_

_But he never could get drunk enough to get him off his mind_

He had fallen down the rabbit hole. He was a mess. He barely slept and he had rings under his eyes. His nights were filled with thoughts of Phil and how he practically killed him and when those thoughts entered his mind, there was no such thing as sleep.

                Everywhere he went, he heard people talking about what went down between Phil and him. The rumors were all wrong. Nobody understood just how much he blamed himself, but they were able to realize that something heartbreaking went down between the two.

                For years and years, he kept his secrets to himself and did his best to hide the whiskey on his breath. He barely talked to anybody, and when he did, all he did was mumble and eventually, the other person would leave.

                But still, even with all of the drugs and the whiskey, the memories refused to fade away and Phil remained stuck to his mind like glue. He wasn’t the one who found Phil, but he kept imaging walking in on Phil, with his face down in blood-stained pillows with a bottle of whiskey broken on the floor.

                He brought a bottle up to his lips and downed the rest of what was left. He was drunk, but he wasn’t drunk enough.

_Until the night_

_He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger_

_And finally drank away his memory_

_Life is short but this time it was bigger_

_Than the strength he had to get up off his knees_

Just like Phil, he had come to the conclusion that alcohol wouldn’t be enough to put him out of his misery. So he bought a gun and situated himself on his bed. He had a picture of Phil in one hand and gun in the other.

                He took one last final look at Phil, his beautiful Phil who meant the world to him and who he did wrong, his heart swelling with regret and guilt, before he put the bottle to his head and pulled the trigger. His tears were drowned out by the ringing of the gunshot.

_We found him with his face down in the pillow_

_Clinging to his picture for dear life_

It wasn’t unexpected. Despite his best attempts at hiding everything, everybody could see him falling apart and following down the same path as Phil, but it was still sad to see him with his blood on the pillows, his hand clasped tightly around the picture of him and Phil on the day of their engagement.

                The world cried for them, but still, no one ever knew what happened between them.

_We laid him next to him beneath the willow_

_While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby_

Because nobody knew about Dan’s affair, they laid him down next to Phil beneath the willow while the guests all cried for the ruined couple who gave up their lives to forget the other.

_La la la la la la_

_La la la la la la_

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you, too.”_


End file.
